It’s been a while since I’ve taken to the keyboard. Time is a bug and I’ve swallowed it whole. My relationship with Time has evolved so much over this past year especially. Not just how fast or slow things feel depending on what you’re measuring, but the multi-dimensional feel of it also. Almost as if time were reversible, forward-able, inside out-able. I have no shame in saying that I still believe in the multiverse theory- and maybe this new sense with time is a testament to that.

Like a tesseract in “A Wrinkle in Time,” perhaps I’m learning that I can travel between timelines or realities with a simple shift in perspective. The same way you can measure your progress in one category as comparatively “fast” or “slow” you can project yourself into a state of being that shifts your understanding or relation to where you are. Maybe, where you are is only where you are because that’s what you’ve decided. What if you decided again? What if you didn’t decide at all? Could you rest in the infinite state of potential?

I’ve gotten deeper into finding that state of being. Of just.. being. “Flow” in this state can take many forms, and I’m in this refinement process of ensuring that I’m actually still in that conscious state and haven’t fallen into the trap of masking a slower pace as “rest” when it’s actually avoidance, or fear, or sheer laziness. Constantly fine-tuning. In this period of time, I’ve enjoyed the extra space for rest. Not making decisions, just consciously observing my natural state, untouched and unjudged. I’ve connected to a Self Love that is unbreakable, and found at my very core. The connection is still weak- very much a muscle to be strengthened over time, for the rest of my life. But I’m happy to have reconnected to it, and grateful for the journey that has gotten me here.

My next stage in this journey is exploring my relationship with identity. I remember vividly drawing a self-portrait in grade school. It looked something like this:

What I meant by it is that I largely have always found my identity to be a bit translucent. I’d answer the question of “What are your hobbies?” with “Anything that I haven’t tried yet.” I didn’t belong to friend groups, and found a favorite topic in every subject I learned in class. I dressed up, down, simple, maximal. In essence, I’ve always wanted to ride with the waves of life. That circle is how I identified as myself. I am transparent, translucent. Senses, feelings, and thoughts can come through me— the colors in the middle represent my experience with those things, but they pass right through. Maybe it’s something my mom always said to me, “Feel, deal, move on” that made it so much easier to resonate with this identity. But to this day, I still feel that way. I feel comfortable just moving with the waves of life— not tying myself to one idea or version of me, because I know that I know nothing, and so much as I can stay open, the world can continue to bewilder me with all kinds of newness and depth. I’m comfortable with this being my main form of expression. I’m comfortable if this is labeled as “jack of all trades” or “flower child” or whatever . I’m comfortable. But, lately, I’ve recognized a wanting to have more senses of “me!” Related to the circle illustration, that would be the black rim that forms the shape or container. I never focused to much on that perimeter, usually just the colorfulness in the center.

This past year, the concept of “home” has been a huge subject. I’ve switched homes, major relationships, and found that aforementioned sense of unbreakable home within me. I’d been traveling for so long without a place to rest my things, that one day I broke down because ALL i wanted was to sleep next to my huge book collection that I’ve been gathering over the years. I’d been hotel and airbnb hopping with a minimalist wardrobe, collecting little trinkets from all of my adventures, with nowhere to shelf them. I remembered that my books were a huge part of me. There was this quote I read in a book that has always resonated. Something about a person who surrounds themselves with a library full of books they’ve yet to complete (and might not every complete) might find more wisdom, inspiration, and truth than someone who surrounds themselves with books that they’ve all read. Like my identity and relationship with life, what excites me most is all that I do not know, but hope to continue discovering. Traveling around, I was certainly living in that experience of constant newness and discovery, but I wanted to land for a bit, and simply curate the mysteries that I wanted to be surrounded with for a bit. That’s how I landed in Brooklyn in early May. Posted up a bed, a desk, and hundreds of pounds of books, and after a few days- I felt exactly what I wanted to feel.

So now I want to explore into that further. I’m re-evaluating my wardrobe, picking a few activities to dive deep into as skill-building or hobbying. I’m always leaving room for x factors in this though. Comfortable with the fact that my expression of “routine” is not structured in arbitrary things like “time” (bleh) but rather in values. I want to move my body, so everyday I’ll find a way to make sure that happens, listening intuitively to what the body needs, what it can handle. Health is holistic- and it’s another thing that is a constant state of refinement. It requires us to listen, intently, and be conscious of our choices. I’m full opted-out on all online discourse about health fads or debates.

On Relationships

  • Exploring a lot what it means to have a “life partner”
  • What I believe it is acknowledging the very real fact that nothing we do in our lives could really “matter” , we can dance with oblivion. A life partner is someone who agrees to witness you in your eternal becoming. They are there to validate your existence, and lovingly observe your journey- taking different roles where it applies.